People Who Should Not Play Games

I am an avid gamer, and have been for many years. I enjoy playing most genres, from point and click adventures, through MMORPGs, to First person shooters. I should be, according to the media, a homicidal sociopath who neglects his children for 14 hours while striving for level 70. For the record, I am not. I don't have kids.

(I cannot remember, if I'm being honest, any media outcry about the adventure puzzler genre, except perhaps Leisure Suit Larry, and that, let's be honest, was entirely justified.)

This article is about people who may be in danger of slipping into the categories mentioned above, or for other less severe reasons should not play games.

1. The Fantasists

   These gamers are mostly MMORPG or RPG fanatics. They may even dabble in Second Life. They don't see games as a way to spend their free time, but as an extension of their real life.
   
   These people talk about this sort of life-consuming games with a frightening degree of realism. Their conversations, heard by an extra-terrestrial visitor, would depict Earth as a planet of barbaric, weapon and armour clad mercenaries, who spend our time unlocking dungeons and slaying dragons in order to gain loot and credence amongst our peers.
   
   It is a frightening thought that these people spend what little time they are not role-playing or sleeping, talking about role-playing. I'm not sure if they talk about sleeping, though it is possible, as they probably dream about role-playing.

2. The Blood-Lusters

   These gamers are primarily FPS or First Person RPG players. These gamers want, above all else, as much death and destruction in a game as possible, particularly if:

   • The player character causes said death and destruction.
   • The death and destruction is as violent and bloody as possible.
     
     
   These gamers will usually have no interest in any criteria which would normally define a good video game, such as plot or originality, but will focus instead on how big a weapon is available, or how gruesome and inventive the means of dispatching your foes are. Swords with saw teeth and bullets which explode inside the target's cranium/intestine/genitalia are what these people live for.
   
   I know one person, who shall remain nameless, who falls into this category. This person actually finds Manhunt funny, and not in an ironic, disapproving “can this game be for real?” way, but a “HAHAHA! His guts fell out!” way. *Shudder*
   
   The one feature of games these people may find interesting are the graphics, if they are detailed enough to show the (previously) internal organs of the human body in a glistening, realistic way.
   
   
   • Pray that perfection is never achieved. Everything after that would be rubbish.
   • Stop believing every nugget of hype spewed out by designers and publishers. They're supposed to say crap like that.

3. The Compulsive Cheaters

   These “gamers”, upon returning home from the shops and ripping the cellophane off their new £40 game, will within ten minutes of the opening cut scene be scouring the internet for the God mode, free upgrades, instant win or other fun-sapping cheats which are, I have no idea why, built into just about every video game on the planet.
   
   I see games as a form of media art, and well made games should be as edge-of-your-seat exciting and unpredictable as an Oscar-winning film. These “gamers” are essentially movie goers who read a 200 word synopsis of a film ten seconds before the walk through the doors of the cinema.
   
   These “gamers” are also likely to rattle through a game from beginning to end without so much as glancing at any side quests, corridors or mini games which may be there to enhance the gaming experience.
   
   
   I have used the term “gamers” loosely in this paragraph as such people, in essence, remove the competition from games. If a game is a film in which you play the lead character, to make the lead character an indestructible, all-powerful deity slightly takes the mystery out of the story. You know they won't be killed by an unseen sniper, or a hidden punji pit, but will be able to fend off an army of foes and adversity with no more than a hair out of place. It turns all games, essentially, into a James Bond film.
   

4. 4. The Perfection Pursuers

   It may seem hypocritical that I am now going to complain about people who complain, but bear with me. These people will complain endlessly about the shortcomings of a particular game, that the graphics are not as good as the trailers showed them to be, or that it's too short, or that the sidekick is a whinging little pain in the butt. Yes, almost all games have some shortcomings, some of which may be so short that the game holds your attention for less time than it took to install, but think about games as a piece of art again, how many films are perfect? How, while we're on the subject, do you even define perfect when it comes to art?
   
   The problem with these people is they are always looking for the next Half-Life, or Need for Speed, the games which will go down in the history books as defining the genre for years after the were released. Think for a moment about how often these games come along. Once every three to five years, maybe? Now think about how often games are touted as being one of these ground-breaking titles. Every other week.
   
   These people are effectively film or restaurant critics, picking up on every little detail which makes something less than perfect. I have two bits of advice for the Perfection Pursuers
   

5. The Game-Haters

   These gamers are those people who seem to be on the verge of a serious cardiac episode while playing any type of game (possibly except any of those bizarre games on the Nintendo DS, which seem to consist entirely of cleaning up what is excreted by a ball of fluff). They get so unfeasibly angry and frustrated that they can't kill the end of level boss, or cross the finish line first, that you have to wonder what they would be like if they really were fighting a 30 foot spider, or driving a Ferrari at 180mph.
   
   I know that every gamer out there has thumped a desk with a fist, or shouted an expletive at their opponent, themselves or just at the room in general. A combination of desk thumping and expletive shouting has even been employed by yours truly one more than one occasion.
   
   It is a feature of games that you will not always win. If you do always win first time with the difficulty on “Extreme” or whatever other ludicrous names designers now use for the “Hard” setting, you really should consider going outside, or possibly becoming a professional.
   
   I agree it can be frustrating and monotonous to repeatedly try to complete whatever level or task you need to advance to the next, but to get so annoyed that you throw your system's controller across the room is starting to get into white van and medication territory. The previous comment only applies if it is not a Wii controller. As far as I am aware it is common practice to throw these across the room.
   
   I have been in the room when people have gotten to this stage of anger, and it can be quite amusing, although I've never had the guts to say to somebody “You do know that, by the definition of a higher level, the next one is going to be even harder?”
   
   I'm going to end this paragraph with a true story, which only after writing this article has struck me as ridiculous. I know a person who once smashed a glass coffee table to pieces, complimented by graphic swearing, brought on by an unfavourable outcome during a game of Tiger Woods PGA Tour Golf. If you are reading this Steve - you know who you are.