Life on a Platform

Sure, it's totally awesome running right all the time, jumping on turtles, picking up their shells, and tossing them at everybody. But I wonder why I do it. What purpose is there for me to rescue Princess Mcfruity who obviously doesn't mind being kidnapped all that much seeing as how she decides to surround herself with defenseless mushrooms. It's like I have no other purpose in life other than to, as previously stated, run right all the time, and occasionally turn around and run left to pick up a coin.

Which makes me wonder if it's all for the money. I mean what happens in every single world? I collect so and so amount of coins and like a cat I get more lives than any plumber has a right to have. Which brings up another point, why the hell am I the one saving the princess? How many times have you heard of a plumber traveling to a magical kingdom filled with deadly turtles and mushrooms? It's flipping pathetic that they couldn't find a prince to do this crap.

There's just so many things wrong with this place that I can't even begin to describe it… but I'll try.

1. I eat mushrooms that make me bigger. And I eat flowers that allow me to throw fireballs. I'm sure you don't need me to explain how wrong that is.
2. The other mushrooms in the world somehow manage to turn me into a freakishly hairy child. They're called Goombas, and I don't even want to go into how I'm committing some sort of -cide, be it homo-, geno-, or regi-, every time I jump on one of them.
3. Turtles are my main enemy… I'll let you mull that one over for a second. Turtles. If I get touched by one of these things I will once again turn into the freaky midget thing. Have you ever seen what happens when you jump on an actual turtle? It gets smashed into tiny bits and there's blood everywhere. Go do it, check it out, I'm serious… blood everywhere.
4. What the hell is up with the pipes everywhere? A magical kingdom filled with pipes? It's almost like they were expecting a plumber to magically show up out of nowhere. Plus it's amazing how much money these people flush down the crapper.
5. Have you ever seen something floating in the sky? Just floating there? It's almost heart attack inducing to see that kind of thing. A brick block floating in mid-air is unnerving to say the least. But what kind of person is expected to run up and punch them? It took me like two weeks to decide that maybe I should touch it, and one more before I decided to punch it. Is someone expected to figure that out on their own?
6. I don't know how many leaves you've seen, but next time you see one, run into and see if you turn into a raccoon. Not just any raccoon, a flying raccoon. I would have to have a pretty wide tail to be able to fly around like a demented bird, but I don't, it's just a skinny, fluffy tail. I don't even want to know what I look like as a raccoon. Some freaky mustachioed rodent.
7. Defying the laws of physics is a pretty normal thing in the mushroom kingdom, but when I first found out I could walk on clouds I almost crapped my pants. A raccoon walking on a cloud? Sounds like the title to a song “I'm walking on a cloud, plus I'm a raccoon”, think of those words, but to the beat of “Walking on Sunshine”. Speaking of songs, that brings up my next point…
8. Da da da duh duh duh duh da da da da da da da da da da. Now imagine that little ditty played over and over and over and over and over and over into infinity. Not a pretty picture is it? Kind of a bleak one in fact. Kind of a bleak and dead and all around suicidal picture in fact. It's a wonder that I don't fall into holes more often.
9. Every now and then I'll find a flashing piece of seizure inducing star and then, I'll eat it. What else would I do? Everything in this place full of fairy fart delightfulness is meant to be eaten, if I hadn't learned to think like that, I would always be a hairy dwarf.
10. After running right for maybe… a mile, I'll come upon a flag in front of a castle. At first I stopped and stared at the flag, but of course this did no good. Then I threw a rock, a turtle shell, and a button from my overalls at it to no avail. It was then I decided that, like everything in this place of mushrooms and turtles, it just wanted to be touched. I jumped, grabbed, and to this day I continue to fight off the big turtles regime through this powerful form of symbolism.
11. There is something about defeating the main or “boss” turtles in this world that makes me think life is unfair for them. They stand on a bridge shooting fireballs at me, which sure, could make some argue that life for the plumber who got thrown into this god forsaken world of lifeless creatures who, at the most, manage to speak a sentence or two to him at a time, which makes him go insane enough that he's thought of cutting up a few of the mushrooms, boiling them up in a few turtle shells, while the turtles are still in them alive and screaming in turtleish horror at being boiled… alive. But really, he would be the one getting the easy way out. I just have to jump across the bridge and grab an axe and the bridge disapeares below the spiky, hair covered turtle.
12. It's getting difficult to think of things to complain about seeing as how I've pretty much covered all of the bases. Although there is, for an undefined reason, a time limit for me to complete each area that I encounter. Why is this? Why would I die if I didn't reach a flag at the end of a two dimensional world? I don't know, I guess it's almost as though this place wants me to die a painful, jump up in the air and fall through the ground below me death.
13. Why would entering a castle suddenly transport me from a green meadow to a winter wonderland? I don't have a clue, I just go in, and come out in some random place that's either colder, hotter, wetter, ghostier, or airier than the last. I can't count how many times I've died of frostbite or heatstroke, because I haven't. Why, in a world that obviously wants me to die, can I run and jump around in a desert, and not even get a bead of sweat. I don't know, but this place is very inconsistent.
14. How about that water huh? It's uhh, it's wet all right. But its also got about 400 seconds worth of air in it. I'm no scientist or keeper of world records, but there's gotta be something strange about staying underwater for seven minutes. Especially it it's a slightly overweight plumber that's just run for about 50 miles at full speed.
15. I guess that I should mention the good inhabitants as well as the bad. As previously stated, I am the one who is always tasked with rescuing Princess McFruity (that's not her real name by the way), and it would stand to reason that she's a person. Well… she's not, in fact I believe that she is half mushroom. I dunno, her mom was apparently a little freaky. She looks like a homosapien so I'm more than happy going into denial that about the fact that she's actually a homofungi. I'm not sure what happened here to turn everyone into mushrooms, but I sure hope it isn't an STD because, well, you could probably guess why.
16. Yoshi. A little dinosaur with a long tongue and his own line of orange shoes. Apparently we knew each other when I was a little baby, but I was so young that I don't remember. There's definitely times when I feel I could kill the squeaky little guy, but then he lays an egg for me to eat, and I feel better. I don't ask why he can lay eggs, and he apparently doesn't want to tell me. I think it's a favorable agreement.

Well, I must have spent a good hour or so writing this stupid thing, I don't who's ever going to read this that'll actually understand why everything here is out of the ordinary. Maybe my brother when he comes to visit. Oh, somebody's at the door, better go get that.

Huh, it looks like a letter. Peach says that she's throwing a party and would love for me to come. Well, I guess this is where my letter ends. Things are looking up for me. It'll be nice to get away from it all, if only for an afternoon party

Better bring my flute just in case.